And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
