Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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