the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Randomize
