my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
