Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
