Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
