You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
