need another drink. this is the easiest way
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
