Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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