my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
