True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
