but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
