She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
