you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
