I smell stomach acid.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
