Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
