After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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