i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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