she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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