I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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