Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
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