my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
