I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
