I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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