I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
You left your phone here
Wait...
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
