Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
