fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
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