I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
