So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
