And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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