i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
