nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize