My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I'm always down for nudity.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
