ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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