oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
