Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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