I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Randomize
