??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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