Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
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Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
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Those nachos came to me in a dream
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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