you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
