looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
operation have a gay friend backfired
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
