I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
