My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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