and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
