it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
