I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
