So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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