I accidentally burped into my bong.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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