Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Terrible idea I love it
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
