I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
