So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Randomize
