Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
