i jhust puked up my retainher.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
