just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
