i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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