i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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