Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
