Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
